Final Pairings Just Hours Away!!

Ewing Finishes List, Signore Gets Lost In The Death Star

 Grand Rapids-(AP)- Head Coach Mark Ewing announced late Friday night that his Official Star Wars Rankings List is done.  It was re-written five times before Ewing approved the final ballot.  Ewing drank 2 beers after the completion.  He also put his bike rack on his car.

 

  When asked by hoards of media reporters about the content, Ewing was coy.  "I think you can rest assured I will not reveal too much just now.  However, for you morons, I will go over a few things.  My 1-5 seeds show tremendous potential.  Relatively unknown, you have your mysterious Belle & Sebastian.   Did I just hear Tony fart real loud?  I did?  Geez.  OK, The Stones and Keith Richards (ironically WITHOUT the Stones) are lined up to be one or two-seeds.  These guys deserve a chance for all of the pomp and Vader-mania.  I'm putting Waylan Jennings WAY up to help defeat the Signore spawn of Country & Western shit."

    "The Beatles locked themselves into a 4-seed, you need solid musicianship and song-writing talent this high in the tourney, something Signore forgets year after year.   Ween is getting one final chance to be up here with the big boys. The window may close on them soon, they have to stay hungry.   A few upstart groups finish it out, mainly to keep Tony Signore napping with his pants around his metaphorical ankles." 

   Ewing was not done.  "Seeds 6-9, Ah that's where Signore is totally screwed.  While these bands will not probably end up in the finals, these are gonna be VETERAN rock groups that have played the game year after year.  Your Zeppelin, your Skynyrd, your Bob Segers, they are not just here for vanity sake, they are gonna take out some of the Signore big guns.   You imagine Jenny Lewis, A Signore mainstay, coming up a hill and being confronted by The Led Zeppelins.  Imagine that!  Now imagine The Led Zeppelin, with Bonzo, pulling down her pants and really giving her a spanking!  Jimmy and John Paul will be taking bits of sharks and..."(Ewing is quickly rushed away by his legal counsil, arguing is heard, a heavy object is dropped and Ewing is violently pushed back to the podium, his hair is messy).  "Ok, Zeppelin is here to play....No more questions....."

  

 Ewing asked for the lights to be dimmed.  A video machine is turned on.   Some old footage of marching Nazis is played for several minutes.  Next,  there is modern footage:  In his front yard, Ewing was finishing up a session with The Cars.  With ice on the ground, Ewing watched members of The Cars (with their instruments) wildly flair their arms while shakily attempting to slalom through a column of generously placed orange pylons as they desperatley try to stay upright going about 'the cone drill'.  Greg Hawkes drops his Rhodes Mark II 73 Stage Piano on to the ice as he rounded through what Ewing called 'Numchuk Pass'.  "Candio Asses", Ewing was heard saying in a disgusted mumble. "Don't know why he doesn't play the Mini-Moog like Bob 2 of Devo."

 "You know, The Cars.  We lost Ole' Ben Orr, and yet I bring them back.  I think The Cars can go deep into the Star Wars this year, but they have to master my cone drill first. I say, back to basics, you's sons a bitches."

  When asked about his adversary Tony Signore, Ewing was brutally honest.  "I don't know what Tony is doing to get his groups motivated to win.  "That bitch is resting on his laurels.  He has suckled up the last two Vaders with his little girl bands.  Niko Case and Nora Roberts, they WERE good.  Signore is living in the past.  Hello, McFly, this year is 2011.  Hey, Tony, the toilet store called and wants your clothes back.   I don't know who Signore is putting out there this year, that is better than my squad.  Who?  Golden Smog?  Dwight Yoakam?  Robert Altman?  The shoe is on the other hand. "

 'Signore is posting pictures of female bodys up on the boards.  That's what he is doing.  Me, I'm putting The Cars through a cone-drill outside on my front lawn. I ask you this my comrades.  Who is really the foolish one?  ........That is a rhetorical question you know,  do stop pointing now please."

 "You know by boys read me some shit that Tony says.  And I do say shit.  I would like anyone  here to tell me what Tony means when he says, he "played Ewing like a cheap violin by not getting stuck with his teams stuck in unwanted spots...."?   Your Honor, let me repeat this:  Not getting stuck with his teams stuck in unwanted spots?????  Hello, Billy Shakespeare!  What him say before him die, Tonto?  I've read more enlightened verbage on the wall of The White Rabbit."

Ewing wrapped it up with another confrontational jab at Signore.  With a hideous grin and a mocking tone, Ewing went on:
    "Signore says he invented The Cobb Salad.  I looked it up in the Google.  Senator, Mr Signore did NOT invent The Cobb Salad.  Listen up, Mr. Signore, The Cobb Salad was invented in 1937 by Bob Cobb at The Hollywood Brown Derby!  Right now, I'd love to see the look on Tony's face.  I'd love to see Tony put a mouthful of Cobb salad into his mouth.  Someone give me a carrot...."

 We read People.  He reads Us.  This is Star Wars.  Listen to the music.

The Press looks on while Ewing fills out his final rankings