Ewing Predicts It

The Elusive VADER TROPHY

Depp!

 Here is what I know.  Here is what I say.
 
  8-Bob Seger over 11-Nora Jones.  My hat goes off to Nora Jones.  She is 12-0 the last two years.  Seger will have to earn it, and, hey lets not having any fighting up front here.  Seger will sweat his ass off, but he will bring down NJones.

4-Jeff Healey over 3-Radiohead.  I am not cocky at all about this.  I have seen Radiohead beat The F.Lips.  I have seen them beat Nick Lowe.  I saw most of their win over Lucinda Williams.  They have my respect.  Jeff Healey has really come on.  I didn't think he could beat ole Waylan Jennings, but he just outplayed that damn drunkard.  This game will be great.  Healey wins by an eye.  A good eye.
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Um yeah, but Who will win the Dark Vader Trophy, Mark?
 Vader Trophy goes to Jeff Healey!  Whoever plays Healey, be he Seger or Nora....the game will not be close.  Healey will expose the weaknesses and slam home some dunkers.
.............................................................................................................

If/when Healey wins it, Mark Ewing has chosen:  "Cover to Cover", an album of covers songs...since Jeff Healey isn't known for his lyric writing, he does excel at doing other people's songs with a fantastic touch that makes it his own. 
 And if Seger somehow gets the Vader, Ewing will wait until this fall to scoop up his as-of-now untitled CD.

The Amazing Final Four!

This coming Saturday:

Game One:  11-Nora Jones Vs 8-Bob Seger

Game Two:  3-Radiohead Vs 4-Jeff Healey

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Monday Vader Trophy:  Jones/Seger winner Vs Radiohead/Healey winner.
  ....................................................................

Don't forget to get your predictions in before the teams go at it!

SHOT!

2011 Barry Robaix

26March 2011:  It was frozen.  When we got to Gun Lake at 9 Am, it was probably 18 degrees.  Do we go in shorts?  Or do we wear bulky but warmer clothes?  We decided to wear as little as possible.  "Vikings don't need heaters, we will not think about being warm, we will think about beating our enemy," said Ewing. Tony didn't even cover his legs, and some girls rode him about it at the starting line.  Mark wore fingerless gloves instead of regular gloves and it cost him dearly at the beginning of the race.  "Me fingers were f**ng frozen", I had doubts about being able to ride with frozen digits," said Ewing.   "Amazingly, 10 minutes in, my fingers were not frozen and I felt good."  

 The pavement turned to the bloody stretch of two-tracks with rocks and logs all over, which we call 'Omaha Beach'.  Racers began dropping out.  "We always lose so many men here", ejacualted Tony Signore.  "At one point we saw a group of 5 pulled off to the side."    Tony and Mark both made it through without stopping.  Mark was able to bolt forward, especially going through the downhill parts of the terrain.  Going uphill, always hard for Ewing, was tough. "Every person I passed going downhill, they would always catch back up to me going uphill."  Signore was able to keep up with Ewing.  Ewing had to stop 3 times when his bicycle seat came lose.  "Seth will hear about this", said Ewing.  At one point near a wide turn, McKibben Road (?), Ewing and Signore met up one last time.  "Tony's face looked bad, he looked exhausted, I could tell he was really working it", said Ewing.

Star Wars Idiots

The course was rough, seemingly so much more uphills than down....and it was so cold.  I don't think it ever got close to even 30 degrees.  Hitting the windy area of Pine Lake, doing the long uphill gravel road on Head Road, we both realized how much everything in life SUCKED.   Onto Goodwill Road, there is one Aid Station.  Ewing skipped it.  "I didn't want anything to drink, it would screw up my breathing."  Signore stopped only for a small cup of water.  You know why he did that?  Our water bottles were FROZEN blocks of ice.   Useless blocks of ice.

Yeah

Last third of the trail, and back on pavement, the ride is better, but there is so much uphill roads, it doesn't even seem possible.  The squads of biking teams blow past us, they are idiots.  "They are talking about junk like ,"hey Sharon what's for dinner tonght?"....ejaculated Signore.  The last portion of the race, the exitement is over and one is content just to bear down and peddle and peddle, just to get it done.  We got it done.  It took over 2 hours.  2 hours of frozen hell.  What price glory?  The awards ceremony:  We go to get some beer, the kegs are out of order.  Probably frozen.  So we go back to the truck, put on some warmer clothes.  Tony puts his hands on the dash.  They are not hands anymore.  They are white, pulpy claws that have no blood inside.  "Those were some scary looking hands let me tell ya," clucked Ewing.  It took some time but the good news is that they did finally get a pink hue to them and I think they are back to normal.  We then proceeded to suck down some St Pauli Girls and listened to some Rolling Stones from the "BlacknBlue" CD.  "Next time I mention this race", said Tony, "Remind me what I said about it."

Barry Robaix 2011

Keith Richards, Bono attend Barry Robaix 2011

Signore jumps off truck

Ewing prepares to jump off truck

The Killing Fields

15 min before race

Signore looks for warm gloves to prepare his frozen hands

Ewing jumps off truck

Old Yellow Socks

Emperor Ewing Plots Next Moves

Tony Signore Calls On Radiohead to defend Jennings/Healey offensive

  



  Since the beginning of the Star Wars skirmish in 2011, The West and The East were destined to meet in the middle.  Hundreds of troops and weapons are on there way to Houston Texas, where the battle for the Vader will take place.  It will not be pretty.  The time of the big war is almost upon us.  With Tony Signore's Radiohead advancing through and taking the Western bracket, Mark Ewing has The 4-Jeff Healey Blind Melons  and The 2-Waylan Jennings Outlaws ready to battle it out for the Eastern Bracket.   The winner will be sent forward to battle Radiohead.

  "We thought the 1-Rollings Stones would take the East, but Jeff Healey proved to be the better visionary to advance.  He just sees everything better.  By the way, did you see ole Waylan finally put an end to George Harrison?  Was not even close, my friends," said Mark Ewing.  "You can find George's body in that burning wreckage over there aboot 3 clicks.  Harrison is dead.  He is all messed up. "

 "GUYS!  I would have to guess it is gonna be Jeff Healey as the chosen group to take on my Radiohead," ejaculated Tony Signore.  Or maybe it is Waylan Jennings coming at us.  I can't tell right now.  Look at my hands,  you all.  They are a sickly frozen white-colour.  My hands. My frozen hands."   Signore has been holed up in an undisclosed bunker for many weeks now.  He is beggining to signs of wear and tear.  Signore seems to be a tired and beaten leader, but for some reason he is not giving up.  "I am gonna go to Florida soon, guys, but you won't be able to find me unless you find my frozen hands..." ejaculated Signore.   Ewing intelligence (that is NOT an oxymoron) is still trying to break the hidden meanings behind some of Signore's transmissions.




Bob Seger Advances Toward  Signore's hole

 Bob Seger To Invade 'The Bloody Southwest Bracket!

The Southeast:  Ewing has marched his way through the SouthEast with little or no trouble.  It was just a matter of time to see which faction would take the Title.  You thought Keith Richards?  You also thought Beatles, you thought your Ween, you thought your John Hiatt.  It was General Bob Seger who won the Southeast.  Bob Seger and his rag tag bunch of Silver Bullits.  Seger, always the underdog, but always the victor has been the key member of Mark Ewing's Operation Pants Down strategy.  Seger has a new album coming out this year.  Ewing wants Tony Signore to be forced to buy it for him.  Seger is the last line of defense as he now will invade the Bloody Southwest bracket where 1-Gregg Allman is getting ready to attack 11-Nora Jones.   "It appears Nora Jones really doesn't have a chance, but you can't count her out", ejaculated Tony Signore.

Tony "frozen hands" Signore:  

Radiohead And Bob Seger Headed To Final Four

Hey guys.  What's happening?  Well just when Mark Ewing was thinking he might be getting some Johnny Hiatt, the amazing 8-Bob Seger shows up and knocks him off.  Seger has destroyed his way past 4-The Beatles and 1-Keith Richards.  Seger will square off Vs the winner of the 1-Gregg Allman/11-Nora Jones match on Sunday.

  3-Radiohead has sent 5-Lucinda Williams home.  And I do say: Look out for Radiohead, they knocked off a great 2-Nick Lowe team and they will take on the 2-WJennings/4-Jeff Healey winner.

We have lost so many men the past week.  Some great teams.  The Rolling Stones.  Keith Richards.  Ian Hunter.  Kings of Leon.  Even groups that played there asses off like Paul Simon and Lucinda Williams.  The Radioactive Chickenheads are finally done.  I can't believe they made it to the Sweet 16. 

Word of advice:  "Never depend on The Rolling Stones or Keith Richards for anything. Sons a Bitches", Mark Ewing

It's All Over Now - Stones Stunned By Jeff "Dead Man Walking" Healey, Norah Jones Melts Down Radioactive Chicken Heads

Death Star (near the beer and ammo concession stand) - In a grindhouse-style game, The Jeff Healey pulled off a huge upset, edging past the tournament favorite Rolling Stones with a 62-60 victory.  This sets up the East regional final between #2 Waylon Jennings and #4 Healey.  In the other semi-final, The Nora Jones held off The Radioactive Chicken Heads in overtime, 72-71.  That matches # 11 Jones against the only remaining #1 seed Gregg Allman.

#11 Norah Jones squad 'Pulled the string" to down the #10 Radioactive Chicken Heads.

Jeff Healey, realizing that time is indeed on his side.

East By Southwest - Early Edition

Death Star (near tractor beam control station maintenance closet) -- The Waylon Jennings, using a shrewd combination of the JJJ (Jimmy, Johnny and Jack) defense, totally shut down The George Harrison Orangemen, 81-63.  That, combined with a miserable first-half by The Harrison, who couldn't find the basket if they were standing under it, helped The Jennings into a Regional final berth.

The Jennings' merchandise has been falling off the shelf, much like Waylon himself use to do.

In the other early game, the strong favorite in the Southwest, The Gregg Allman, also had no problem handling their opponent, the overmatched Paul Simon, dropping them unceremoniously, 77-57.

The Allman, trying to strike the right notes in preparation for a chance to lead at the big dance.

Elite "Gang Of Four" Eight

Death Star -- With the first day of the Regional Semifinals completed, only one question remains:  "Who was that man?  I'd like to shake his hand."  Which brings us to yet another rash of upsets.  In early action, The Radiohead seemed to come out of nowhere to pound the heavily favored Nick Lowe into submission, 74-67.

Could The Radiohead be the reason The Nick Lowe is 'up in arms'?

In the other early game, the only 'favorite' to win on this day was The John Hiatt, who seemed to merely shove The Ween to the wayside, 83-74.

The John Hiatt, demonstrating that they can indeed 'do it all'.

In the late matches, The Lucinda Williams bumped off the #1 seeded Ian Hunter, cruising to an easy 93-77 victory.  Coaches Ewing and Signore seemed dumbfounded, while upstart coach Lalonde merely shrugged his shoulders, and said something like "AH, OH, EH...you a chemist?  Enzo...".

And the crowd goes wild as the LW5 send The I-Hunter fleeing the Death Star.

Finally, in the late evening and early morning, The Beatles were shocked by The Bob Seger, who seemed to simply be running a version of Ewing's patented 'Cone Drill'.  The Seger Silver Bullets kept hammering and hammering until The Beatles were left pining for some Norwegian Wood, 61-54.

The humble Bob Seger stands triumphant after knocking off The Beatles.

So, with half of the semifinals completed, the matchups for the West Regional final is set, with the #3 Radiohead taking on the #5 Lucinda Williams.  Meanwhile, The Southeast Title will match #2 John Hiatt against #8 seed Bob Seger.

HE GONE!

Starwars Predictions

East
Rolling Stones see a red door and they want it painted black.  Jeff Healey sees nothing really, so “he gone!” Stones 55 Healey 45
The Harrison ball club looks to make Waylon weep gently.  Waylon will probably stop by a road house in Texas before the game and get stinking drunk and forget where he parked his truck. “He Gone!” Harrison 55 Watlon 45

How the West was won
Williams is a bad ass.  I have said it before and will say it again She is a bad ass.  But Ian Hinter is once bitten twice shy and will use multiple sets to confuse the Williams defense.  This game is over before it starts.  Hunter, and all his young dudes will roll.  “She Gone!”  Hunter 55 Williams 45
The Head and the Lowe will be the best game to watch here.  Nick Lowe has the edge because he knows you gotta be cruel to be kind.  So the Radio Head, “He Gone!”  Lowe 55 Head 45

How the Southwest was won
Not sure why Paul Simon is even in the same gym (pronounced “jim”) with the powerful Gregg Allman.  Yes he has overdosed more times than Kieth Richards, but so what. The man can hit a mid-range jump shot better than anyone.  Simon? “He Gone!”  Allman 55  Simon 45
Look for Norah Jones to continue crazy run.  She knows nothing about collusion and “the band I can not say” will fall. “Band i can’t say?”  “The Gone!”  Jones 55 Band I can not say 45

Sou-easter
Like trying to ride a mountain bike through rivers of brine, this bracket is too hard to cross.  But here we go. Beatles take out Seger. “He Gone!”  Bealte 55 Seger 45
Ween looks strong.  They have some insane belief system, golden tablets, arch- angels....but they win baby.  Look for Ween to edge out Haitt. And...”He Gone!”  Ween 55 Haitt 45

Final Four

East - Stones

West - Hunter

Sw - Allman

SE - Ween

Emperor Ewing Gives You The Final Four

Mark Ewing:  "Pull De Strings!"

The Emperor Talks Orange Ball

Guys, We have had ourselves one heck of a tournament.  You have had your powerteams, you have had your upsets, you have had your overtimes, you have had your double dribbles.  Let me tell you what is gonna happen next.

The East:  Ah the East.  The 1-Rolling Stones can't be stopped and 4-Jeff Healey isn't gonna change anything, except make us watch the whole game.  The Stones will WIN.

The game to watch, is 11-George Harrison Vs 02-Waylan Jennings.  I HAVE to see this game!.  I actually enjoy watching George Harrison, with his bright yellah Unis.  Harrison has ripped up 6-Wilco and 3-Belle and Sebastian, very impressive!  The Beatles and George Harrison both have had career years in Star Wars.  Give them the basketball!  While I want George to win, I have to guess his luck has run out, his brain cancer has returned and the Cloud Niners will lose by 3 to a sleeping, drunken giant in Waylan Jennings.
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The West:
  Ah The Old West:  1- Ian Hunter is tremendously good, he sill beat Lucinda Williams...hats off to Lucinda for her great win over 4-DriveByTruckers....she will be back next year after a fine showing.  Ian Hunter is gonna take the West. Unless he plays 'like Mott The Hoople"(T.Signore quote).

   I like 2-Nick Lowe to beat 3-Radiohead.  Nick Lowe took down 7-The Flaming Lips in 2 OT.  I was glued to the TV set.   On the way to work this morning, I heard Old Nick Lowe, and it made me smile.  I will be rooting for Lowe, but Ian Hunter is just too damn good.
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 The SouthEast:
  Ah the SouthEast:  Some good teams are coming out of the SouthEast.  The best team, 1-Keith Richards did not make it.  He was gunned down by 8-Bob Seger.   Operation Pants Down, orchestrated by Mark Ewing, perhaps worked a little too well.  No matter.  8-Seger has the tough task of playing a red hot 4-Beatles squad.  the Fab Four beat a good 5-The Cars team.  You know what?  I think The Beatles make the Final Four. Yes, The Beatles will make the Final Four!

   2-John Hiatt Vs 3-Ween:  Not much has been said about these 2 teams, both very talented, both very capable.  Tony has made Mormon jokes about Ween. They have quietly made their mark in the Star Wars, beating The Strokes and Jenny Lewis.  Hiatt, has been a nobody for some reason.  He beat an up-and- coming Lynyrd Skynyrd squad.   The match appears to be close.  I think Ween takes it.   But The Beatles will take Ween.
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The SouthWest:
  Ah The Bloody SouthWest:  This has been the most funnest bracket so far.  Tons of upsets.  Infidels raging about.  12-Paul Simon has been phenomenal.  Simon came in late, taking the place Captain & Tennille, who Tony kicked out.  Simon beat 5-Steve Earle.  Super.  Simon beat The Chemical Brothers.  Now, he has to play 1-Gregg Allman, perhaps the most powerful force at the Death Star.

 I want Simon, but Allman wins. Damn Gregg Allman.  Damn him all to hell.


  And I know we will all be watching the wacky: 11-Nora Jones Vs 10-Radioactive Chicken Heads.

 Tony is already nervous.  Very nervous.

 Not even the Spanish Inquisition knew Frank Lalonde would coach the Chicken Heads to victorys over heavy favorites 7-Mumford and Sons.  When Frank coached The RCHs to a win over 2-Kings of Leon, the public knew Lalonde had got his French Fry.   However, 11-Nora Jones is no upstart.  She won it all last year.  Written off for this year, she came in as just a play-in, and she beat Marty Robbins out of his spot.  She beat AC/DC.  Ask Tony: Mark predicted her win over 3-George Jones too.  Nora Jones sends Frank and his Chicken Heads home forever.   Fact:  Nora Jones has a 9-0 record the past 2 years.
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Mark's Final Four: 

1-Rolling Stones Vs 1-Ian Hunter

1-Gregg Allman  Vs 4-The Beatles

(Although I am picking Allman to take the SW, Nora Jones, with a good game, could send his ass home).
.......................................................
1-Stones Vs Allman.   Yeah, the two best teams will meet up.  Tony will by buying Mark his Rolling Stones Box Set which contains all 52 Stones albums, a 6-DVD boxset of interviews and concert footage, A Keith Richards Stratocaster guitar, and a Charlie Watts Toaster/Oven.   Start It Up.
...........................................................................................

Every Street And Alley

Death Star (various vending carts) -- Our intrepid reporter was able to track down upstart SWI coach Frank Lalonde, and able to get his thoughts on the upcoming "sweet sixteen" matchups.

"It reminds me of that one time, when I was roaming the tundra region of Michigan.  I had mentioned to (coach Tony) Signore how dangerous it might be to hike near the Porcupine Mountain region, due to the high cliffs.  He suddenly got one of those 'looks', you know, the kind that scare you.  Then he went into a moment of reflection, and mentioned off-handedly how he and Emperor (Mark) Ewing 'might have to give it a try someday'.  Little did I realize the sinister side of Signore.

"Anyways, I digress.  Let's see (hmm, my picks), Let's start with the North." Lalonde says.  I politely mention that there isn't a North region.  "Dammit, why don't they tell me these things!" he screams in rage.  Then, seemingly recovering himself, proceeds.  "Ok, let's look at the East...there's an East region, isn't there?  Yes?  Good.  So, there's a veteran #1 seed Rolling Stones squad against Ted, oh, excuse me, uh, Jeff Healey.  I'd have to go with the seedings, so look for The Stones to just hammer away under the basket, then throw in a few 3-pointers to keep The Healey off-balance just enough to squeak by, 79-58.  In the other game, you've got The dead George Harrison five, seeded 11, against the #2 dead Waylon Jennings.  I myself have to favor the drunken cowboy crew in this match.  Oh, sure, The Harrison may have some backing from The Beatles' team, but as they say:  You can't get rich playing the favorites, but my corollary is you can make a little bit.  So, Jennings 84, Harrison 66."

"Next, the South region...What?  No South (**mumbles to himself, saying something like 'inglorious basterds'**).  Alright, the West region.  #1 seed Ian Hunter against #5 Lucinda Williams.  I just have a gut feeling about this one.  I really think The LW5 will stick it to Ian and his gang.  Also, as the last 'Cinderella' team left in that region, this could be one of those exceptions that proves the rule."  On being informed how idiotic that statement was, Lalonde asked us not to print it, under penalty of something called 'catapult'.  Ok, So, I'll say Lucinda Williams 65, Hunter 61.  In the other game, you've got #3 Radiohead taking on #2 Nick Lowe.  Man, oh man... is this where they're auditioning "Boomerang" baby?  What?  No.  Oh, where was I?  Oh, right here.  Ok, So, I'm picking the favorite Lowe to outlast the Radiohead 71-68."

"The Southwest?  Oh, sure.  First, I've got to say that whoever culled the teams in this region probably couldn't stack a pallet of beer.  Anyways, You've got your #1 Gregg Allman taking on #12 Paul Simon.  Though it'd be tempting to take the odds on The Simon, The Allman are probably the only classy team remaining in this bracket.  Allman 81, Simon 62.  In that other game, involving what (Emperor Mark) Ewing claims are the 'infidels', I've got to select my own #10 Radioactive Chicken Heads to annihilate the #11 upstart (and SW regular) Nora Jones.  There may be many bodies laid out on the court, and the triage tent will probably be busy, but with precision daylight strikes, we (RCH) should be able to quell the rebellious Jones.  77-71."

"The Southeast?  Who the hell cares?  But, there are a couple of veteran teams finally getting their chance to 'let it shine'.  First, #8 Bob Seger taking on #4 The Beatles.  Ok, I'll confess.  I've tried to model the RCH training regime on the same one Ewing used for The Seger.  But the Rug-Tops are almost immortal.  They seem to flow effortlessly over the court.  My heart goes out to The Seger, but my wallet goes after The Beatles.  Beatles 78, Seger 73.  The other game?  Oh, #3 Ween against #2 John Hiatt.  First, I'll say that The Hiatt aren't qualified to hold The Ween's jock.  Next, you've got to realize that The Ween are hungry, especially after last year's tournament.  This should be a rout, with The Ween downing The Hiatt, 80-69."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ok, so in the North, uh, I mean East, I'm projecting The Stones taking on The Waylon's, with The Stones taking the region, 79-75.  In the West, I've got The Lowe Dumping the LWilliams' 70-67.  The Southwest will see normality resume, with The Gregg Allman downing my own RCH, 83-69.  Finally, I've got The Ween squeezing by The Beatles, 77-76."
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"I would then have to pick The Stones over Nick Lowe, and The Allman over The Ween.  Finally, The Stones, will reign supreme in the Vader Championship game.  You can look it up."

TV's Captain Quint Sums Up the First Week

Captain Quint: Big Star Wars Fan

"Y'know by the end of that first round, lost a dozens of teams! I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many teams, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' chief, I bumped into a really good team, The Kings of Leon. I thought they were  asleep, reached over to wake them up.. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. Well... they'd been bitten in half below the waist by these radioactive chickenhearts ."
 "You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again."

" So, 68 teams went into the Star Wars last week, and just 16 teams come out, the sharks took the rest, March the 20th, 2011."  

"Anyway, we delivered the bomb."

the Sweet 16 is Here!

Some Powerful Teams Still Look Strong,  But Beware The Infidels!



The East:   
                 1-The Rollings Stones Vs 4-Jeff Healey,  

                11-George Harrison Vs 2-Waylon Jennings
...........................................................................................
The West:
                  1- Ian Hunter Vs 5-Lucinda Williams,

                  3-Radiohead Vs 2-Nick Lowe
.............................................................................................
The 'bloody' SWest:
                  1- Gregg Allman Vs 12-Paul Simon,

                11-Nora Jones Vs 10-RadioActive Chicken Heads
...............................................................................................
The SouthEast

                8-Bob Seger Vs 04-The Beatles

                3-Ween Vs 02 John Hiatt
.................................................................................................

SPECTER OF PERMANENT BAN HANGS OVER RADIOACTIVE CHICKEN HEADS

Death Star (Court 4) -- As the large crowd of KOL (Kings of Leon) supporters watched nervously, much like a Libyan military garrison listening for incoming cruise missiles, Frank Lalonde's much-maligned Radioactive Chicken Heads may have pulled off one of the biggest upsets in SWI tournament history.  Using a unique blend of offense AND defense, the RCH were able to pull it (pullet?) off, holding KOL to a miserly 57 points, leading to a 71-57 victory, and an utterly unplanned 3rd game as part of the 'Sweet Sixteen'.

Using a 'back to basics' approach, Lalonde's squad seemed to lull the Signore crew into a false sense of security.

"I knew we 'had it in the bag', when I heard Signore being asked by one of his lieutenants whether they should prepare an escape pod.  Signore plainly replied:  "Mmmphh, gribble, skrm, uh... evacuate?  In our ...**mumbled phrase, sounding like "bhut chicken head wings"** ... in our moment of triumph?  I think, mmpgra... urp... more wings...more fries, I think you overestimate their chances."

Signore's propaganda campaign appeared to have backfired in the face of the embarrassing loss by the Kings of Leon to the Radioactive Chicken Heads.

Coach Lalonde: Used RadioActive Defense to lead 10-Chicken Heads Over 2-The Kings of Leon

Signore could not be found in his usual bathroom stall for comment, though several strange noises could be heard from an adjacent stall, as well as an unconfirmed report of a hand seemingly feeling along the bottom of one of the walls, with a plaintive cry for toilet paper.

Emperor Ewing, who has publicly scoffed at the RCH, and made no effort to hide the fact that he would take action to ban them from further appearances in SWI, could be seen scurrying to a nearby KFC along with a crowd of stormtroopers.  A witness claimed that Ewing could be heard demanding to know what the ingredients of their 'seven herbs and spices' were.

"We're in it to win it!"

Coach Lalonde, while enthusiastic about the victory, was quick to quell any talk about the "Final Four".  "Hey, we've still got to get past a strong Marty Robbins(Ed note: Nora Jones <see play-in game info>) team.  I don't care how many times you've worked on the 'Cherry Blossom' routine, we're going to run it and run it until it's as natural of sticking q-tips up your nostrils."

Ewing Dancing with Himself

The Emperor lets loose!
AP -Middleville

    Starwars emperor Ewing is not only a heartless dictator but apparently a pretty good dancer as well. A recent photo taken of the Emperor shows that he seems to enjoy grooving and shakin'. "I like to go deep into the woods, blast out some of the Old Billy Idol and, well, just lose myself."  Witnesses say there was quite a bit of the arm-pumping action and later was seen doing a great impression of Steve Stevens while playing air-giuitar.
   Questions have surfaced as to his mental state and his ability to command the respect of his players.  When informed of his latest antics, The Ween seemed worried.  "We have a big game against John Hiatt, and what is he doing to help us? Dancing in the woods? Really?  What an ass."

9-Avett Brothers Vs 1-Gregg Allman: SW Bracket Gonna See A Battle

War Is Hell:  One Already Dead, And The Battle Has Not Even Begun.

This Bike Messenger Boy delivered a message to the Avett Brothers Compound:  "Yeah, Allman will have no trouble with yous guys" .  For you Star Wars buffs: His rig is a Giant Talon One, a 29er if you will.  The Talon can go through very rough terrain.  Oh yeah, The messenger boy was shot to death later.  

Murdered.  Imagine that.  But really?  That was the message?  You came all the way here for that?

Mark Ewing, seen above missing an incredibly easy dunk with nobody covering him,  worked most of the night demonstrating to The Avett Brothers that the task of beating Gregg Allman IS POSSIBLE.

"Don't be afraid to use your inside game, play the 2-3, Be the Ball, dunk the ball like this guys", and of course, remember this my friends, Gregg Allman is an OLD MAN!", says Ewing.

1-Keith Richards OUT!

8-Bob Seger Gets Into Sweet 16 With Huge Upset of 1-Keith Richards

The Bob Seger Bullits:  Sweet 16 Baby!

  Bob Seger has been in just about every Star Wars.  He has never been too high of a seed since Mark Ewing has owned most of his stuff.  When The Emporer Ewing formed his infamous VETERAN squad of rockers (Operation Pants Down) to plunder away some of the Signore idiots, Bob Seger was one of the bands that Ewing put special pride into and gave him a pretty high 8-seed.  A big responsibility. Seger took out that 'fiesty sons a bitch' Bob Dylan in the first game.  Not an easy task at all.  Paired up now with the elite Keith Richards, Seger didn't really seem to have a chance....but he came to play.  And play he did.  The game went down to the wire, and Bob Seger prevailed and sent Richards home.  Richards played a good game.  Richards seemingly had the game won many times.  But Seger played tough.  Seger played better.  "You know, I was reading in Rolling Stone Magazine, where they say Bob Seger is a true force in Star Wars......I said, Ship Ahoy, I've known that for 10 years!", said Mark Ewing.

  8-Seger will take on the 4-Beatles, who just got past the 5-Cars in a great game last night.  "The Cars are a good team, can't believe they Gone," ejaculated Tony Signore.

 The other game in the Southeast Bracket:  3-Ween will face off with 2-John Hiatt next week. 

"The winner of Ween Vs John Hiatt battle is the squadron I will have to rely on to get me into Vader territory.  If the Gregg Allman forces keep advancing, as I think they may....I have great confidence in one of these bands, be it Ween, be it Hiatt, be it Beatle, be it Seger........ being Allman's Waterloo", said Ewing.

As Wicked As It Seems:  Richards is Gone!  Ewing loses his Number One Seed in the SE Bracket.

Pecking Order Upset, Signore Squad Running Like Chickens With Heads Cut Off

"The Infidel Signore Must Be Defeated"

Death Star (Court 3) -- Following the amazing victory by Coach Lalonde's Radioactive Chicken Heads in the Southwest 2nd round, the entire region has been thrust into turmoil.  As Coach Signore was seen wandering around blindly plucking hairs from his palms, The RCH prepared for their next match against the vaunted KOL Nationalist Army.  As some in the arena kept calling for a no-fry zone, the situation has escalated to epic proportions.

Statue, which Signore had planned to unveil following the 'easy win', prior to being torn down by RCH militia forces.

"Pluck him!" Lalonde could be heard shouting to the gathered throng.  "Pluck him!  The infidel Signore must be made accountable for the indecencies of the past!  We will never forgive.  We will never forget.  The gauntlet has been thrown down.  A line in the farmyard has been drawn.  He can take his so-called "Seas Friar" and stick it where the sun don't shine (and I'm sure you all know where THAT is...).  If he wants a cock-fight, then so be it.  Even though he's been preparing for that contingency, constantly wearing his pants around his ankles."

The following video was filmed at the top secret facility for experimental farming of genetically modified giant vegetables and poultry that the Radioactive Chicken Heads call home:

Meanwhile, Coach Signore gave an impromptu speech from his secret bunker under section 13G:  "Krmmp...hmmm...MORE HOT WINGS!...They must be in the friar NOW!...grbbble...wimble wimble..."
The next matchup for RCH will be against Signore's much feared Kings of Leon squad.  As if anticipating this matchup, a video has been unearthed which now seems eerily prophetic:

 

"We will fight them in the Kitchens...we will fight them in the Janitor Closets..."

MMMPPPHHH! Lalonde's Radioactive Chickenheads Send Mumford & Sons Home!

Signore Stung Like A Bee-Keeper!

  In his most embarrassing loss to date, Frank Lalonde's 10-Radioactive Chickenheads defeated The 7-Mumford & Sons to advance yet another team into the 3rd round in Singore's goofy Southwest Bracket.  Jim Blaau, a Signore protoge, coached his first and perhaps his last game for the Signore squad.  The Chickenheads have the daunting task of taking on The 2-Kings of Leon, but a statement has been made. 

 With the win, Frank Lalonde may get to jump up two slots and  get an 8-seed for the 2012.  He is the only non-Ewing/Signore faction to advance a team.  Sandy, Diane, Jim B have taken losses.  Julia is still coaching Katy Perry Vs Led Zeppelin at press time.

 We will await Frank Lalonde's Press conference and post something as soon as he takes the air....

Ewing Advances 7 out of 8 Squads in 'bloody mess' of the Southeast Bracket

With Emporer Ewing laying out a complex strategy that (again) caught Toilet Room Attendant Tony Signore with his pants down, the Southeast bracket advanced with 7 Ewing teams left intact.  Ewing used VETERAN bands such as Bob Seger, Keith Richards, The Cars, The Beatles, Lynyrd Skynyrd and John Hiatt to surround the overconfident and starving throngs of groups like The Heavy, The Old Crowes, and Jenny Lewis.  The one Signore win was The Strokes taking out The Mother Truckers.  Signore seeded Robert Plant and Eric Clapton with extremely low positions and they just didn't have the string to help out the savage attacks of The Ewing Squadron.  The Signore forces were forced to eat nothing but hardtack for the two weeks prior and this really pissed his guys off.  Ewing was pleased.  "The Strokes took one of our guys out.  Now they have to pay the paper(sic) and face Ween.  I'd like to see the look on their (expletive) faces when that happens."

Signore Looks To Sweep the West Bracket

Ah the goofy Western bracket, the experts said this is wide open for some upsets, but NO, it is not to be.  Tony is gonna sweep.   It looks like 1-Ian Hunter is going to own this bracket anyway.

 Jessie Colter over Gerry Rafferty, Lucinda Williams over Dandy Warhols, Drive By Truckers over The Jam, Morning Jacket over Johnny Lee, Radiohead over Jackson Browne, Flaming Lips over Train, Nick Lowe over Nazareth.  Geez......Signore is dominating....just a matter of time before 1-Ian Hunter crushes 16-Foreigner...

What price for The Vader?  Ewing saddened by tremendous carnage in the bloody West Bracket left by the 'dirty coward'  named Tony Signore.

Mark Ewing was disappointed by the turn of events, but was able to find some hope on this busy Friday afternoon.  "I really enjoyed the Pink Floyd Crazy Diamonds able to give Robert Johnson some of his own Traveling Riverside Blues.....Devil can't help him now, because.......HE GONE."

                                   1-ranked Ian Hunter:  Kicking Foreigner's ass at press time.

Ewing Rebel Forces Put Huge, Gaping Hole In Signore SW Bracket

  Signore Caught With his Pants Down at his Ankles

Lalonde Misses Both Petty and Earle Picks.

 

What do we have here?  Ewing has found a chink in  the armor of the ole SW Signore bracket.  Earlier today, The Chemical Brothers mixed up a batch of sodium nitrate, iodine, and a little bit of bear grease and kicked the ship out of Tom Petty.   Shocking. Or not?

The Quote:
"Steve Earle will make some noise and get to 16''-Tony Signore. 

(explosive laughter)


 I have just been handed a text from Tony Signore.  Signore is telling me that 12-Paul Simon has just sent 5-Steve Earle home!  The Gracelanders put some bars of soap into a pillow case, and kept beating the shite out of the Copperheads until the Copperheads stopped moving around. 

"My boys played great," said Mark Ewing.  "I told you guys Paul Simon is a force.  I was just as surprised by The Chemical Brothers as you were.   To take out Petty and Earle, that is so bloody cool.  They GONE!  Tony will not be getting a new Tom Petty.  I heard him talking about Tom Petty a few weeks ago, now watch, he won't bring his name up for a fortnight."

  The favorite in the SW is still the powerful Gregg Allman.   Allman should win his next two games, and then he will play the winner of Simon/ChemicalBro.  THIS will be a game to watch.

Chemical Brother squadron raping and pillaging past a battered Tom Petty group.  4 miles up, Paul Simon squad was plundering past a visibly shaken and un-coordinated  Steve Earle squad.  What surprise is up Emporor Ewing's sleeve?   The Chem-Simon winner could be looking at a shiny Stormtrooper Award when the dust clears!

Sandy Out!  10-Train goes down to 7-Flaming Lips.   Here is the transcript:  Mark comes home from work.  Mark says, "Oh, Train just lost to The Flaming Lips."  Sandy said, "You are stupid."

What?  13-Chemical Brothers Send 4-Tom Petty HOME!  Heartbreakers are heart broken.  Tony must be pissed.  Hey, Tony, can I get a quote?  I guess Dick Vitale didn't know what the hell he was talking about. 

5-Decemberists send an exhausted 12-Emmylou Harris home.

Emperor Ewing Tries New Advertising Campaign To Sell His Johnson

Country Joe McDonald Serenades Capacity Crowd At Death Star

Decemberists Run-And-Gun Past The EHarris. The Seger Outlast The Dylan.

"Zenga Zenga"

As stormtroopers surrounded the court, The Decemberists, led by clutch performer John Moen, easily suppressed the upstart rebel alliance, called The Emmylou Harris, 84-76.  Quoting Emperor Mark Ewing, The Harris' spokesperson, representing the rag-tag force, merely said:  "This is Bullship!"

"We play both styles of Hoops...Country AND Western..."

Meanwhile, The Seger Bullets held on to down a visibly aged Dylan squad, 60-58.

Using a rapid-fire approach, The Seger relied on the intensive Cone Drill practice to help down the stretch to hold off the downtrodden Dylan

"Blowing in the Wind?  Aww...Blow THIS!"

Lalonde Logs Late List. Laments Loses

After staring at a blank bracket sheet for about a month, interim coach Frank "Call Me Ishmael" Lalonde finally announced his selections for this year's tournament:
==============================================
The East:

The Stones over BC Communion
The Pink Floyd will easily handle The (Robert) Johnson
The Decemberists over play-in E Harris
Healey over Hancock in battle of the H's
The (G) Harrison upsetting The Wilco
The Belle and Sebastian over The Lynn
The Zeppelin over The KPs
The Jennings over The Wolf
-------------
The Stones over The Floyd
The Healey over The Decemberists
The B/S over The Harrison
The Zep over The Jennings
------------
Stones over Healey
Zep over B/S
--------------
The Stones over The Zeps
=================================
The West:

Hunter over The Foreigner
The Rafferty upsetting The Colter
The Dandy Warhols upsetting The Williams
DBT over The Jam
My Morning Jacket over JLee
Radiohead over The Jackson Browne
Train upsetting The Flaming Lips
The Lowe over The Nazareth
----------------------
Hunter over Rafferty
DBT over The DWarhols
Radiohead over My Morning Jacket
Lowe over Train
---------------------------
Hunter over DBT
Radiohead upsetting Lowe
---------------------
Hunter over Radiohead
===============================
The SW:

Allman over Johnny
Springsteen over Avetts
Earle over The Simon
The Petty over The ChemBros
AC/DC over The Robbins
GJones over The Devo
MumSons over The Heads
KOL over The Blood
---------------------
Allman over Springsteen
Petty over Earle
AC/DC over The GJones
KOL over MumSons
---------------------
Allman over Petty
KOL over AC/DC
-----------------
KOL upsetting Allman
=========================
The SE:

The Richards over The Plant
The Dylan upsetting Seger
Cars over Heavy
Beatles over Clapton
Truckers over Strokes
JLewis upsetting The Ween
Adele upsetting The Skynyrd
The Hiatt over Crowes
-------------------------
The Richards over Dylan
Cars over Beatles
Truckers over JLewis
Hiatt over Adele
------------------
Richards over Cars
Hiatt over Truckers
-------------------
Richards over Hiatt
========================
Stones over Hunter
Richards over KOL
==================
Stones over Richards
=======================

"I Am Epic Win"

Signore Predictions? All gold baby. Gold I tell's ya.

Sweet 16
East
Rolling Stones will roll.  They will have to get by upset-minded Emylou Harris. Belle and Sebastones, with the zone of indifference, will take care of business and will eventually have to get by Waylon Jenner, although look for Peter the Wolf to give Jenner all he can handle.
West
Ian Hunter will eat the Foreign bastards for a small snack, then march to the 16. Lucinda Williams will drive by the drive-bys, why? Because she is the most motha -frickin- rockin rollin chick ever seen in this tournament.  Why she hasn’t ever won is beyond me...but neither has the fab four or the fab five for that matter. Look for the Radio Head  to make it to sweet 16 along with Nick Lowe.  Look for the Nazaroth to suck real bad.
SW
Greg Allman will reach 16, and most likely beyond.  The Allman is strong and hungry.  I have never seen him playing this well since the concerts in Monterey. Steve Earle will make some noise and get to 16. The Paul Simon has not had a point guard to run the offense since Garfunle went pro. A/C D/C is a popular pick, but I am not popular. I once wore red white and blue bell bottoms in 8th grade.  I’ll take George Jones.  KOL will see Jones in the sweet 16.
SE
Let’s look at Bobby Dylan.  I think he can handle Richards.  Old Richards is running on fumes. Losing 8 of his last ten games, it’s a wonder he got in at all.  But here he is. Bobby smells blood on the tracks and will sit the old-timer down. Check it.  I got the Beatles moving on, no real competition here.  George Harrison will take out his revenge on Eric Clapton for stealing his girlfriend, and the Fab 4 will easily make the 16. Look for Ween and up-start Adele to round off the sweet 16.