More Rock and Roll

Seing a need for a new super group and fresh blood, the Signore team has dropped longtime Star Wars mainstay Warren Zevon, and replaced him with Black Country Communion.  When asked about the news, Zevon said, "Well I better get out of town before my nickname expires."

Black Country Communion

How Good is Ween?

Ewing Still Wants Some Ween CDs

You can bet your ass that Ween has come to play this year.  In 2008, 2-seeded Ween knocked off Lyle Lovett but then were stunned by the 10-Red Hot Chili Peppers.

     In 2010, Ween again garnered a 2-seed.  They knocked off 15-Graham Parker,  they beat 7-Ringo Starr, and they destroyed a tough 6-Sweet squad.  Ah but the ole' Alejandro Escovedo played out of his ass and set the Ween boys home just 2 games away from the Finals....they left with no Vader.

  This year's Ween squad returns the same two guys, Gene and Deaner.  They can shoot.  They know how to pass.  The run well for big men, they know how to rebound.  They run the Big Jilm that leaves many opponents rolling and a weaving.  The only thing that worries Mark Ewing, is, "sometimes they can be caught in space, and they are not as fast as they are quick.  They do have hands.  They get lost in traffic, and they do take drugs.  Come to think of it, maybe Ween isn't that good".
  We will see.

Allman Maybe Tops

I tracked down Tony Signore at his head quarters in Alto, Michigan.  Surprisingly candid, and always controversial, Signore had this to say when pressed about his number one seeds:

“Dog Records was excited when we announced that Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame legend Gregg Allman released his first solo record in 14 years on January 18, 2011. Called Low Country Blues for the coastal Georgia region Allman calls home, the record was produced by T Bone Burnett, recorded at his Village Recorder studio in Los Angeles and features Dr. John on piano, guitarist Doyle Bramhall II, and Burnett's brilliant go-to rhythm section: bassist Dennis Crouch and drummer Jay Bellerose. Low Country Blues is Gregg Allman at his very best -- a self-assured, spirited collection that will stand as a major milestone in what is undeniably an exceptional career.
It is not official yet, Srene, but The Gregg Allman is tough.  Boards well, plays a great half-court game, and can really hurt you with ball-pressure defense. I can see him a an overall number one seed,  especially in the always tough Stonewall Jackson bracket. With T-bone calling the plays, well, you could do a lot worse. And of course he is the right gender to be a top seed, if you know what I mean.”

Serene Branson reporting from Alto, Michigan. Back to you Diane.

Gregg Allman - http://vimeo.com/17427151

Seger, Skynyrd Get In Star Wars 2011!

Many people saw it coming, but Mark Ewing was able to get traditional icons Bob Seger and Lynyrd Skynyrd into the 2011 Star Wars.  Bob Seger replaces The Drop Kick Murphys and Skynyrd replaces The Plain White Ts. 

  "I think this is a step in the right direction.  Both Skynyrd and Seger are not particulary strong this year, but the fact they will make an appearance gives the Star Wars 2011 respect."

Frank Lalonde, a Seger fan from the a desolate boulevard in Bay City Michigan McDonalds, lifted a french fry into the air and said, "MMphs, nahat.  Seger has a new song coming, I am getting fired up....I remember seeing him with Mark down in Kalamazoo, where we almost got crushed going into the building.  I'd like to see Seger crush back at some of Tony's infidels.  Ashellfell."

Tony Signore: Big Brother Hears You Talking

The following is a transcript of a Tony Signore telephone call to an anonymous source.  Some people believe he is talking to Matt the Cat Ryan.  But this is not confirmed:

 

"every time you mention collusion i think about stupid lance parrish....i say give him the inside scoop and let him run with it.....i am replacing van halen with bobby dylan...replacing metallica with jenny lewis...replacing the who with bobby plant....i am sitting in my kitchen making lists of bands...pretending they are real and fighting for a mythical trophy...i am 52 years old...wearing headphones so i can make sure i have the groups listed in the right order...i could do a lot worse i guess..... "  (clicking noises, someone hangs up)

The Lips Speak Out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY13dE3bqm8

"This is the type of action Signore wants to see from his teams.  War pigs and rock and roll!  Look for the Lips to make a strong move in Signore's brackets.  Back to you Peter."  Serene Branson reporting from Alto, Michigan.

Rolling Stones Destined For Glory in 2011.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl3arNBLcHE   Look here to see one of the most powerful groups for 2011.

The Rolling Stones, while usually mild participants in previous Star Wars Tourneys, are being counted on to bring Mark Ewing the CD "Her Satanic Majesties", as well as the 2011 Darth Vader Trophy.  "It is quite a bit to wish for, but I think I have found the perfect cog to bring me these fine gifts in the form of the Rolling Stone Black N Blue.  You got your Keith, you got your Mick, you got your Chuck Watts, you got your Billy Wyman, is he still around?", said Ewing.

  "I don't know if Tony has anyone is his motley assortment of country singers to get in the way of this machine.  Bring them on.  It is time for the Stones."

Impressive Secret Sisters Look To Make A Statement For 2011.

Mark Ewing has hand-picked yet another new group for some exciting Star Wars action.  While not expected to break into the Top 5, The Secret Sisters look to be placed in the 9-11 range and will have a good chance to beat down someone like your Tom Petty, your Lucinda Williams, depending on how it all breaks out.  "They are on the Ewing string.  And that is a daunting task.  I think they are deserving," said Mark Ewing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2QKWePyS7w&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=ML4oVf-d_DwKDgqchYVBqb62NW-46S3GYg

While Others Do Things, Signore Talks About Doing Things.

After the dust has settled, Signore looks to three-peat. He has sent a final message to his groups; "Do or do not. There is no try." When asked about seeding, Signore had this to say, "They know where I live. They know what I want. Please keep sending things, including large objects directly to my house. At some point I will set a date and refuse to accept large objects."
Serene Branson reporting from Alto, Michigan.

Editor's note: This was first sent to us in pure gibberish. A big thank you goes out to Frank Lalonde for translating.

Serene Branson: Grammy Reporter Gibberish

www.youtube.com

I saw this happen while watching TV. I thought it was insane, posted it, then it turns out that she may have had a stroke. That's a bummer, however, she is okay now.

Meet 2011 Celebrity Spokesman: TV's Roger Ebert!

Hey guys!  Big thumbs up for letting me do this year's Star Wars.  I will be here every week to provide commentary on the big Star Wars battles.  Who will get the Dark Vader trophy?  I have no idea.  I don't really understand too much about this stuff, I have been mostly concentrating on getting my face fixed.  Is my mouth moving when I talk?

You know, I've been a big fan of the Kings of Leon.  Big, fat fan.  I hope they get a high-ranking by Tony.  Right now they are my personal pick to win this Star Trek Warp Drive Tournament.  Let's go KOL!

Anywho...big thumbs up to the new groups getting in:  Tony has Shelby Lynne, Jessie Colter, The Heavy, Katy Perry (hot! Yes!), Adele.  I don't know this Wayne Hancock from Tony, but I do like his getting in Mumphord and Sons.  George Jones is in? Wow.  Back in the day, Gene Siskel would really crank up the George Jones, and I would say, "hey turn that down!"  Oh that Gene."
  Mark actually did get Blind Willie Johnson in, as well as Southside Johnny, the Pyschadelic Furs, Marty Robbins, really glad he got Johnnie Lee in there, he got the late Gerry Rafferty into this year, a fitting tribute to a great artist....oooo look the Decemberists are in there, Belle and Sebastian, we even got the Keith Richards going in as a solo artist....reminds me of when Fellini shot that scene on the Italian seaside of the fat girl dancing around on the beach, it evoked such a said pathos...anyway....great picks guys, Thumbs Up.

Thumbs Down:  "Hey guys, where is Lynyrd Skynyrd?  Such an iconic band should at least get a ceremonial invite.  They are no where around.  Michael Jackson getting invited is the equivalent of Dave Gumpert getting a College Degree.  He will be slaughtered on Day One.  Frank:  The Radio Active Vegetable Chicken Hearts:  That is NOT a real band.  It is a bunch of idiots making Sesame Street Youtubes.  Get them out.  I miss The Fools.    Alejandro? Alejandro Escovedo?  He almost won it last year, he was seen in concert, his CDs were listened to by both Mark and Tony.  He makes neither list.  That is not right. 
  For the first time ever: No Bob Seger?  What?   No Lyle Lovett by Tony?  No Warren Zevon from Mark...although Tony picked him up as a low-seed, some sort of back-fired strategy....
 Well I'll be back later, got some Kevin Bacon movies to watch.  Hey, whats the deal with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck?"

Ewing Goes 4-0 Over Signore in Phase One. Rolling Stones, Greg Allman Tally Early High Seeds

25Feb11:  Ewing and Signore met at a "White Rabbit type pub" called the Nighthawk in order to get Phase One in the books.  Signore had the Chili.  Ewing had the Nighthawk burger.  When it was time to play, Michael Jackson started off Tony's list, Blind Willie Johnson started off on Mark's.
........................................................................................................................................................
Signore Rule Takes Out Captain & Tennille, Blind Boys of Alabama. 

  New strategies came to play with both managers able to use the Signore Rule to oust certain groups under the 'Top 5'.  Tony took out very lowly-ranked The Captain & Tennille, who has been in every single Star Wars (dating back to 1978).  Even when highly ranked, The Bulldogs have never faired well, and maybe it was long overdue to see them bow out.  "They took one for the team", said Mark Ewing.  "Captain & Tennille knew they might get some opposition, but they paved the way for Devo and Foreigner to move through the reeds into the high ground, which we call 'Signore's colon'".  Getting a new plan (Stan), Paul Simon was brought in by Ewing to replace C&T.
   Mark Ewing waited a bit longer in the string, somewhat surprisingly allowing The Black Crowes to get in...but when those The Blind Boys of Alabama were nominated by Tony, 7 rungs higher, Ewing was quick to give them the 'bum's rush'.  "They Gone!", Ewing said several times for emphasis, drawing a few confused stares from the other patrons.   "To imagine 5 blind, black, old, idiotic gospel singers to be whisked away in  a big yellow taxi", that is music for my soul", said a jubilant Mark Ewing.  Signore replaced the vacant spot with The Flaming Lips.
   Next week, the other first time rule, The Ewing Downs Syndrome, can have a group go down 5 rungs, and bring the other corresponding group UP 5 rungs.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ewing Flexes Clout On Ties, Going 4-0

 A few years ago, Tony won every tie over Mark.  This year, Mark astutely ranked good groups higher than Signore could fathom.

 Tony tried to slide in Wilco in his 17th slot, Ewing countered the move, getting Wilco locked in at 6th. 

Tony then tried to put the Rolling Stones in that same slot.  Ewing countered the first-ever double tie, when he announced the Rolling Stones were his Number-One!  Signore wolfed down a few potato chips and, with his third option, got in Van Halen...of which, thankfully to Signore, Ewing had not ranked this year. 

  Tony nominated Star Wars regulars The Beatles, but Ewing had them ranked a very high 4-seed and took them away from Tony.  This is the highest-ranked Beatles squad that Star Wars has ever known.  Please do not send objects to Ringo or any other congratulatory type notes. 

  Waylon Jennings-- never before ranked in any Star Wars tournament-- was nominated by Tony at his 7th rung. Ewing, again, blocked this move when he locked Jennings in as one of his Two-seeds.   Tony then got the only Solo-Beatle into this year's Star Wars, when he picked up George Harrison.  The past few Star Wars has usually had up to 3 solo-Beatles getting invites.

Ole' Waylon:  Surprising High Ranking Shocks the Star Wars Masses.

Last year, in 2010, Mark started a somewhat new trend when he allowed one group to get into the Star Wars, when on his drive over to the pub, he simply chose a good group that came in off the radio.  This year, in the Pub, no one was playing the jukebox, so Mark had to put his own money in.  He chose a bunch of groups, Stones, Queen, Idol, etc....when he heard his own play: Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog", he tabbed them as his "random slot" group.  "Thats why I keep telling groups, hey keep on playing your songs...I could be riding down the street, I could be sitting at a bar, If your song grabs me at the right moment, by golly you are going to Hollywood dogs, You are in the Star Wars!"

Who Are Going To Be The Strongest Groups?
Top Groups by Mark this year, appear to be The Rolling Stones, Waylan Jennings, Keith Richards, and The Mother Truckers.  Top Groups by Tony this year, most experts say, will be Greg Allman, Ian Hunter, The Kings of Leon, and Nick Lowe.  Things will get locked in next week.

First Phase Set for 25FEB11

A quiet tension settles over the Grand Rapids bleakness.  The public makes their predictions of who will go in and who will be shuttered.  Radio shows and local pubs are filled with remarks and bold statements.  Someone screams in a girl's voice, "Is that Bob Seger?"  Old men gaffaw and point. 

Mark Ewing and Tony Signore are scheduled to meet up and put in the preliminary rankings that will elimate any groups that appear on both lists.  This policy could 'lock-in' groups at certain spots.  The Sandy/Frank/Ed/Diane uprising will be settled.   Exicitement is in the air.  Amock time.

Mark Ewing calmly reflects on his 'hot sheet', as most of his work is done.  Tony Signore nervously erases large columns of rock bands and screams at his poor wife Diane.  "How do you spell 'Lyle'?, wonders the bloated Signore from a desk filled with cassette tapes and scribbled notes.  "If Phil Collins still in Genesis or what? I have gots to get my lists all done, ya know.....Ah, do I get Lenny Kravitz back in, do I, me don't know....."

Mark Ewing spoke briefly to NPR reporter who wished to remain anonymous

 "I have heard the sonic riffs.  I have made decisions.  The combines I put these rock groups through, the time I spent alone in my car in the garage listening for just the right amount of heavy drums, the right amount of complicated guitar chords (George Harrison need not apply) (wait for laughter, gets stunned silence), I think I have assembled a formidable enough group of bands to give that dirty coward Tony Signore some raging diarhhea.  Absolutely raging."

Ewing has a surprise announcement line up.   "Back  in 2009, The Pope was here in the US, and he became a fan/analyst for the Star Wars.  The Pope was a great guest.  I have just gone into an agreement with a certain celebrity who will handle much of the 'ceremonial' type Star Wars pomp and circumstance.  I will make the announcement this weekend."

When Would You Wear That Batman Necklace? And other Stupid Signore Remarks.

As Mark Ewing scans his 'hot sheet' Star Wars list, he can't help but get overcome with emotion.  "You know, you have to mix it up.  You have your basic RockNRoll, you have your Blues, you have your curve balls, you got your Country, you have your alternative.  I'm a liking my mix.  While other vermin like Tony Signore will feature only basic bullshit and country, makes for a bad vibe.   Look for Signore put in blind boys of Alabammy.  I think my boys can wipe them off the face of the earth with the new Signore rule.  Todd Rungren will go in for him, so will Johnny Cash, John Lennon, Beatle, Lyle Lovett, probably even Justin Bieber.  I feel sad for him, he is such an ass."

  Ewing promises one of the best groups, as far as talent goes since 2004. 

"Got some strong basic Rock, going way high, got some surprises, got a few Country, got some old timers, got some kids.  I can't wait to see how it all plays oot.  Aboot 7 groups always get in, all-time favorites, and this year will be no exception.  Devo, Zeppelin, Desire Straits (sic) almost always make it.  You know, Skynyrd didn't make it last year, I thought that cold bastard Signore would put them in, Billy Powell on piano, and all, (Owooooh!), I would like to see them get in."

Signore on state TV: 'I will fight to the last drop of blood'

Update at 11:16 a.m. ET: In a rambling speech on state TV, Opposition leader Tony "Mmmphrf...sgnaftr" Signore says, "I will fight to the last drop of blood with all the Musical people behind me."
"If you love Tony Signore, go out and secure Death Star's streets," he says.
Update at 11:14 am. ET: Opposition leader Tony Signore vows to fight on against protesters demanding his ouster and die as martyr.
Update at 11:12 a.m. ET: "All the legislative power is in the hands of the Musical people," Signore says. "The Musical people will decide."
At another point in his rambling speech, Signore tells Musicians that unnamed forces are trying to mainpulate young people with drugs and alcohol.
Update at 11:05 am. ET: Opponents are "tryng to copycat Kruska and Lalonde," he says. At one point, he says he is "not a president to step down."
Update at 11:01 a.m. ET: In his televised remarks, Signore, who is standing, shouts and gestures frequently, saying at one point that "friendly Alderan nations are betraying you. They want chaos (and) ... have tarnished your image ."
Update at 10:55 a.m. ET: Signore has begun to speak on State TV, saying his opponents "want to insult you" by criticizing what is happening in the groups and says it it time for Musicians to "respond with action on the ground, on the square."

Tony Signore Reflects on the Enormous Power of Emperor Ewing

Mark Ewing, as usual, has gone mad with power. Announcing ten seeds. Signore was livid when he read the announcement. "WTF? I will not have KC and Sunshine idiots in my bracket. Nor do I intend to have Train or some other stupid group shaped like vegetables. "F" that. I have agreed to let Adele in my bracket of seventeen, but if Ewing thinks he can water down my list by using some obscure rule, that he invented, he has another thing coming. Remember the uprising in Tunisia and Egypt? I will grind the tournament to a halt. I can just see Ewing smiling through those pointed fangs of his. See you in court Emperor. Just try selling tickets with throngs of protestors chanting outside the stadium." Signore then stomped off while making noises that sounded like "Huurrpmphh ekkeelltss...shhuurrmppss!" Frank Lalonde was seen recording the sounds and translating.

Archaic Signore Pep Rally: "Grab Your Musket Balls"

In a dimly-lit room, on the southeast side of town, Signore assembled one of the greatest fighting forces since General Burnside gathered his troops at Fredericksburg. But unlike Burnside, Signore is not afraid to move. He will not wait for the pontoon bridges to arrive from a bureaucratically disorganized state that has no concept of war. No, Signore will advance. Find the shallows, listen to his field generals and move the enemy from the high ground.

Thirty four divisions will advance and though all will fall except one, he will find that one. That one group that has come to fight. That is why he has brought them to this meeting, Find the one. Find the one that will advance on Stonewall Jackson. Walk head long into canister fire and raise the flag of truth and music. Find the one that will look Bobby Lee in the eye and spit in his face. Find the one.

Signore has many choices. His troops are ready to give their last full measure of devotion to carry the banner that few will know. Norah Jones knows. Neko Case knows. They once stood where others stand today. They once marched up those frozen fields of glory to reach the heights of victory. War is hell? No, war is music. Sweet music that few can hear. Listen to the faint sound that sings, "Triumph. Victory."

The meeting ends and Signore has his list. Neat little bundles of seventeen. Two columns if you will, ready to do his will. 'Right' is on his side, along with his brother 'might.' March on you thirty-four . Do not tarry yet the cannons of Longstreet and Pelham will shatter your bones and scatter your troops. March on.

Lalonde Drops The Bomb On SWI...#10 Entry Announced As 'The Radioactive Chicken Heads'

 

THE RADIOACTIVE CHICKEN HEADS: Bio

Nobody really paid much attention to the high-tension electromagnetic power lines stretching over or those weird government scientist dudes doing experiments late at night on Uncle Max's farm until one morning when Uncle Max sent Joe out to the field fetch him some carrots to use in his famous carrot pancakes. Joe tugged and tugged with all his might on a stubborn old carrot until finally he uprooted a 7 foot tall vegetable man! The newborn Carrot Topp (no relation to the standup comedian) stayed true to his underground roots and started up a punk rock band called the Vegamatics with three other recently harvested mutant veggies, Cheri Tomato, Syd Radish, and Celery Stixx. But unfortunately for the band, the radiation had also caused a cute fuzzy little bunny rabbit to mutate into a ferocious ten ton mega-monster...Bad Bunny! Bad Bunny was the baddest bunny to ever hop on the face of the earth. Bad Bunny raided the Vegamatics' rehearsal barn and munched up the whole group except for Carrot, who narrowly escaped Bad Bunny's appetite for destruction and vegetables.

By the next spring, Carrot Topp was working on his spoken-word album, and Joe was getting ever so excited about the farm's annual Easter egg hunt. In a bar room brawl, Bad Bunny beat the bejeezus out of the Easter Bunny and stole his threads. Now disguised as the Easter Bunny, Bad Bunny continued his evil reign of badness by sabotaging the Easter egg hunt. First, he ate up all the gooey chocolate eggs from the real Easter Bunny's basket. Then, he replaced them with some "bad eggs" if you know what I mean. In the spirit of total badness, the eggs he delivered that day were no ordinary eggs for this was no ordinary farm and this was no ordinary bunny. You see, Bad Bunny was working for the Man as an undercover agent and he was sent on a mission to pose as the Easter Bunny and deliver these experimental genetically modified super-sized-mega-jumbo eggs. Well, what hatched out of those eggs was something you might call hideous or you might call sick or you might call grotesque, but they'd prefer it if you call them the Radioactive Chicken Heads.

Joe, now an aspiring singer/songwriter, painstakingly taught the chickens how to play guitars, drums, trumpets, and whatever instruments were lying around with plans to get the "man with the chicken band" act, Joe and the Chickens, onto the county fair circuit. It seem liked the band was on the up and up but tensions were growing, fueled by "artistic differences" and the fact that a certain Colonel made Joe a secret offer to trade bags full of dirty money for bags full of giant chicken bodies. Joe finally decided to get a big axe out from the shed and chop off the heads of the chickens. The decapitated chickens' bodies ran away only to be caught but Carrot Topp jumped on a tractor and came to the rescue of his poultry pals. Luckily, he found some decent leftover human bodies while rummaging through the dumpster behind the local cryogenics lab and stayed up to the break of dawn sewing the chickens' heads on them.

The Chicken Heads adopted the personalites of their human bodies: the overly-indulgent punk rocker Puke Boy, Pastafarian: a bird with a taste for kind herbs like oregano, Sgt. Psychlopps: a one-eyed one-chicken militia, the teenage mutant kung fu master Kung Pow Chicken, the zombified Bird Brain, the undead Poultry Geist, and the deviled egg spawn El Pollo Diablo. Joined forces with Carrot Topp, they formd the ultimate rock 'n' roll supergroup - The Radioactive Chicken Heads! Now they could finally boogie board their way to fame and fortune and more fame.

To be continued...

 

10-Seeds for Sandy/Frank/Diane/Ed

Sandy has just announced Train as her 10-seed pick.  Diane has chosen Adele.  Ed Kruska has chosen the KC & The Sunshine Band.  Frank has chosen The Radioactive Chicken Headsp;  Mark Ewing is currently varifying the existence of the group. "We don't want another 'Beatlemania' on our hands. How Ed Kruska got them in back in the day, I'll never know."

Mark and Tony have both put together lists and are putting final touches on them.  Perhaps on 25Feb, Fri, the two might meet up and put Phase One in the books.   Still a bit unclear on the play-in teams...may have to wait until the new rules are clear.  Mark and Tony both have teams 'on call' to fill in for last minute.

"Things are getting excited.", clucked a Tony Signore.  "I've got some teams lined up yes, I have to be careful.  Oh and by the way, no more cameras in bars.  You heard me right.  No more cameras, no objects going to me in bars.  Thank you, peace out, goodbye."

click here:   http://www.cbssports.com/collegebasketball

Could this be the year Blind Willie Johnson gets a Star Wars bid?

Old Blind Willie.  The Ol' Blind Willie Boy Johnson.   Sing it Blind.  Sling Blade it ol Willie.  Blind Willie Johnson has been waiting his whole life for a chance to enter the Star Wars.  He keeps getting snubbed. Is it because he is blind?  Is it because he be black?    Remember when the Led Zeppelin sang "Nobody's Fault But Mine?"  That song is an Old Willie Song.  With a pork-pie hat and a his trademark slide guitar, Blindy Will Johnson cranked out a corn bin of beautiful sonic canticles.   Vote for Willie.  Lets get Willie Boy into the Star Wars. 

"That night I sat down to a Blind Willie Johnson album.  I thought to myself, Blind Willie is about the best slide guitar players I have ever heard.  I was pretty blown away that night.   So I staggered back home to my empty bed."-Mark Ewing 

Tune in here to hear some of that bottle neck guitar:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SW1SRJrNZZw&feature=related

How Many Beers In A Case? How Many Cases On A Pallet? The One Who Does Not Know The Art Of Beer Will Be Defeated

Bay City (MI)--The activity in Hooters reached a peak (peaks?) level as Signore and Ewing struggle to determine important data necessary to cater to the large crowds expected at the Death Star for the 2011 Star Wars Music tournament.  With the upcoming selection of the 64 representative musical stars, which will expand to 68 starting this year, questions abound.  Will the Signore rule confuse 'The Floaters' more, or 'The Devo'.  Will 'The Devo' even get ranked?  Will the Ewing counter-rule put down the rebellion forces?  Will the 'Warren Zevon' be able to play, even from the great beyond?  Will 24 beers fill one side of a pallet?  These and other queries are being considered by the masterminds behind the MSW, and when they have an answer, they might let Emperor Ewing and Coach Signore (et. al.) know.  Until then:  Pleasant...Dreams?

68 Teams to be in Star Wars this year....

For the first time, a total of 68 teams will enter the tournament.^[1] Thirty of the thirty-one automatic bids teams will be given to the program that wins their conference tournament. The remaining automatic bid will go to the Ivy League regular season champion since they do not hold a conference tournament. The remaining 37 teams will be granted "at-large" bids, which are extended by the NCAA Selection Committee.
The Selection Committee will rank the entire field from 1 to 68, then split them into 17 teams to create four regionals. The final four at-large teams and the final four automatic qualifiers will play in a "First Four".^[2] The four winners of those games advance to the main draw of the tournament to play a higher seed. Two of the 16th and 17th seeds will play against each other in a pair of First Four games, with the winners will play a #1 seed; the last four at-large teams playing in the other two First Four round games will have the winner to likely face either a #4 or #5 seed.

2008 Recap

In 2008, Regina Spektor took home the Darth Vader.  She beat down the Dandy Warhols for the coveted prize. In an amazing feat, all 4 Number One Seeds (Spektor, DWarhols, White Stripes and Flaming Lips)  made the final four. 12-John Lennon made the Sweet 16, as did 12-Alexandro Escovedo, and the 13-Ramones.  Disappointments:  Tony's 5-Ziggy Marley, and 4-Rilo Kiley went out in the 1st round.   Who can forget when 12-Johnny Cash sent 4-Graham Parker home in Round One?  Tony Signore made a name for himself when he took the 10-Red Hot Chili Peppers in an upset over the Donnas, then a huge upset of 2-Ween,  another huge upset of 3-Luna, before bowing out to eventual winner Regina Spektor.  Signore had his shares of heartbreak, and it is said that he is still not over the the Ziggy Marley loss in Round One. Marley has never been back to Star Wars.  Mark Ewing picked up Regina Spektor's "Begin To Hope" CD.  It would mark a 3-year run where women singers take the big prize.  Will this tendancy keep going?  Mark Ewing all but guarantees that it will not.  "No, the streak probably will not continue.  These things run in cycles, and  I don't see any woman this year being all that good.  Hot yes, but not good."

New Rules Introduced in 2011!!

The Signore Elimination Rule: 
There is a one-time turn where one can eliminate any of your opponent's entries (Top 5 excluded) from the Star Wars.  Signore was pleased with himself when he came upon this plan of action.  "A step in the right direction.  I will do whatever I can to get rid of some of the vermin that has been creeping into the tournament."

"Adolph Hitler would have been proud of Mr. Signore", said Emporer Ewing.

The Ewing Downs-Syndrome Seeding Manuever:
There is a one-time turn where one can force your opponent's entry to 'switch seedings' 5 spots lower than originally posted (Top 5 excluded).  Likewise, the 'other' group will take its spot 5 spots higher. " I'm a liking this rule, see I'm a hamNegger......If my opponent wants to put someone 'in' just for ceremonial reasons, by golly, I will make that said team play up with the big boys.  If my opponent puts some stupid musicians way too high, I will simply put him down with the sodomites", clucked a jubilant Mark Ewing.

Tony Signore: Looking Back

Photo (above) This is the Dallas School Book Depository, in Nov of 1963:  Tony Signore and Frank Lalonde nervously waiting for JFK to ride by.  What is in the duffle bag?  What is Tony assembling? Why is Frank obsessed with Fidel Castro?.  There are many unanswered questions. Do you really know who your friends are?  Are Commies living in our community?  Anway, on to Star Wars......

 Looking Back and Moving Forward

As winter blows its way across the calender of our lives, we once again begin the process of putting a check-mark next to the mental “things that must be done” list. We braved the crowds at the delta plex, grifting our way through another Drinking All Star Game. And tears swelled up in our eyes as we watched Bay City become a small industrial decaying dot in the rear-view mirror of the collective Honda Accords of what passes for our existence. Now on to the next crucial fence post, the Star Wars Tournament. Like the three stooges all trying to get through a doorway at the same time, getting to the end with a Willy Wonka golden ticket will not be an easy task. There will be many committee meetings, back-room trading, and secret hand shaking going on even before this event begins. But know this. It has begun. So let us not tread over the thin ice of collusion or plod through the murky waters of rule changes. Let us forge on my brothers. Let us hop on our Johnson 600’s, or 6000’s, or 6 times 6000’s! It is time to make lists. It is time to compile headliners. It is time to run back-door Princeton style offenses. In the words of the immortal James Honeyman-Scott, “Don’t be a sucker all your life. They’ll take your back and leave your shirt. Bow Wow Wow. Here come the dogs!” What the hell did he mean? Know one knows, and yet we all know, don’t we

With Impending Sale, Ewing Wonders "Who Will Pull My Johnson?"

Grand Rapids (MI)--Emperor Ewing, winner of the International 500 (Under-12 Division) aboard his Johnson 600 (which he repeatedly refers to as his "Johnson 6000"), has proclaimed that his racing days are numbered.  And evidence of this statement came with Ewing's announcement of the upcoming sale of his fabled "sled".

"There are only so many rivers in the world today...and only so many with ice...and only so many with ice thick enough to support my Johnson.  The carnival ride is over.  Draw the curtain, and summon the choir.  I can only hope that whoever makes the purchase will give my Johnson the hands-on treatment I've given it." Ewing told the gathered drunkards at a local pub.

Also on the heels of the sale, word is that Ewing is being sued by "Johnsonville Brats" for failing to live up to his contract, where he'd agreed to allow his image on various advertisements (see below).

Mark Selling his Johnson?

Mark Ewing announces he is selling his Johnson 600.  "After going up and down the Saginaw River numerous times, it is time for me to sell my Johnson to the highest bidder.  It comes with cam shaft overdrive and Mickey Thompsons.  It is the 600 model, so you know I could have done a lot worse...."

Bay City Trip Plagued by Frank-isms

circa 1983: Mark:  (noticing Frank's bell-bottom pants): "Frank, are those flairs?
                  Frank:  "No, they are mine."

2011:   Frank:  "See that building over there?  The whole roof burned up a while ago."
           Mark:  "How did that happen?
           Frank:  "It caught on fire."

Tony Signore Denies Russian Collusion, Tells Reporters to "Stuff Those Tomatoes".

Somewhere in Lappland (Deja Vu)--More woes beset Tony Signore today when rumors of a secret noodle factory owned by the noted Star Wars Idiot surfaced.  As several Pakistani 7-11 workers scrambled to ask about his mysterious 'origins', Signore brushed them off by shoveling 2 tablespoons of wasabi into his mouth, then following up with a bowl of whole peeled tomatoes.

With the above photograph clearly showing the 'Riga Toni' name on several hundred bags of noodles stored on beer pallets, the damning evidence of his secret noodle base deep in the heart of the Baltic was one of the headlines today.  A special Senate committee formed to address the question of "WTF", while Emperor Ewing would only shake his head, then mumble something that sounded like:  "He didn't read Sun Tzu.  He didn't read Sun Bin." while listening to a medley of Bee Gees and Billy Joel 70's hits.

Meanwhile, the shadowy past  reared it's ugly head, with a supply of canned goods found stashed inside one of the Death Star's tractor beam control stations.  This is believed to be the largest supply since the Bantha pandemic of 2008, which greatly affected the supply of fecal matter for the audience to fling at caged monkeys near courtside.

The One Who Does Not Know The Art of War Will Be Defeated

He had crossed the Saginaw on foot.  He had entered into Hooters.  He went for the chicken nugget boneless.  He had seen the great wall of noodles and tomatos.  He talked about his Ski-Do, and yet questioned another on the Johnson 600.  He feared the blue gloves, but later welcomed the blue gloves.  He had beer.  He had whiskey.  He suggested a Deja Vu.  He nixed the idea all the same.  He entered Hooters.  He crossed the Saginaw on foot again.  He lost the fight.  He lost his chicken nuggets.  He stripped off his motley.  He gave no interviews.  What Ho.  All is lost.

Rumors Of Collusion Abound. Signore, Ewing, 'Napkin Dragon' All Sighted At Same Establishment

Bay City (MI)--Explosive new evidence in the Signore-Dragon Collusion case was produced earlier today.  In the above photograph, Signore can clearly be seen reflected in a mirror (though making slow, palooka-style attempts to 'cover-up'), along with Emperor Ewing and a 'napkin dragon'.  Ewing denied any kind of collusion, though he admitted to establishing a new stormtrooper division which he refers to as the 'Blue Glove Group.'  Coach Lalonde, while not in the photograph, was also sighted in the vicinity also wearing a 'blue glove.'

"What the hell is this?  Egypt?  Come on, I'm just putting together a, well you could call it a club.  And remember:  'You don't wear a glove, you don't get in no club,' (or words to that effect)" Ewing told a passing waitress.

Signore repeatedly denied being a member of the group, though the following photograph seems to clearly show him brandishing one (albeit, on his left hand, which we're not sure if that'd indicative of anything or not).

Lalonde appeared to be flabbergasted at the suggestion of a conspiracy.  "Hey, let me illuminati...uh...illumin...uh, fill you in on something.  It's like in the army.  The great prince issues commands.  Founds feasts.  Inferior people should NOT be employed."  Asked to explain the statement, Lalonde made a sound like "hurumph", then proceeded to admire a nearby beer pallet, neatly stacked with several cases of beer.  This initiated a battle of words between Ewing and Lalonde, with Lalonde arguing that the pallet was half full, while Ewing insisted that it was half empty.  Signore and the nearby 'napkin dragon' could not be reached for further comment.

"Senator, there is no collusion"- Mark Ewing

Collusion is an agreement between two or more persons, sometimes illegal and therefore secretive, to limit open competition by deceiving, misleading, or defrauding others of their legal rights, or to obtain an objective forbidden by law typically by defrauding or gaining an unfair advantage

Signore Vows To Go "The Distance" Against 'Napkin Dragon'

Bay City (MI)--Tony "Hefty" Signore, after dropping a hard-fought battle with his precious 'golden nectar,' had agreed to take on another in the Hooters stable.  This next opponent, one of several 'napkin dragons' which the official Star Wars Idiots commission swore they saw in every bar in Bay City, may not be the push-over Signore thinks it is.

"I've always said:  'Nothing beats Rock', and since Rock beats paper, that alone should ... oomph...uh...urp...excuse me a ...ump...urp...seco....***brrrrrrraaaaapppppppppp***...that alone should give me the edge.  It'll be like buddah...I say "Give Me The Buddah!"  That was Signore's response to charges that he had misappropriated a bus constructed of ceramic material and drove it all over his hotel room.

The 'napkin dragon' had no comment to accusations that it was merely a figment of the Star Wars Idiot's imaginations.  However, Emperor Ewing did manage to blurt out at a 'private party' that:  "It's paper...it's a dragon...it's clearly an opponent which Signore has never faced before.  What can I say?  Do you want me to apologize?  What should I do?

As for what Ewing has planned for the match-up, one can only speculate.  A photograph of a scrap of paper which Ewing had been scribbling various numbers on failed to shed light on the subject, as the information 'mysteriously' vanished.  Frank "Which Way Did He Go?  Which Way Did He Go?" Lalonde proposed that they were simply trying to solve a common packaging problem using advanced math, as well as addition AND multiplication.  "It's nothing, really...we were just trying to...WHAT'S THAT?  ...oh...it's just a wad of paper...anyways... we were attempted to figure out the maximum capacity of a beer pallet.  No...come back...seriously...that's what we were doing...WAIT!!!!  Don't leave me alone with...ARGGGGG, there's ANOTHER ONE........."

Mark Ewing: A Man of the People

A Man of the People, yes....but also a man....if you know my meaning...."There is no collusion in Star Wars," said an adamant Mark Ewing.  "Woman have always been way up in the seedings, and 2011 will be no exception...just wait for the rating to come oot."

Give me some whiskey

We never got her name, but she was the bar tender.  This is the backside of her.

Yes we have bananas

Bay City Michigan:  A crowd of learned doctors gathering at 'Lucky's to laugh it up after a series of successful breast implant surgerries.

It's Ovah! Tony 'PhillyCheese" Signore gets KO'd in 4th Round....by a glass of whiskey!

Unknownst to even me, I have footage of Tony going to bed.  The time on the camara clock was 915PM, so this must have been shortly before I left for a 'private party'.  The photo shows the Signore, de-pantsed and ready for the sack.  Like an aged prize-fighter, his legs are rubber, 2 marbles in his head bounce to the beat of "Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat" and he doesn't know where his corner is, but he instinctivley keeps his dukes up before the fatal, final blow. 

Shocking Stories of Yesteryear.....always comes back to haunt you.

Tony tries to keep the news of the Farmer's Daughter quiet.  Even though the event happened in 1977, the story never gets old.

Desolation Boulevard: Bear Swilling?

Tony Signore:  On the eve of desolation boulevard trip all is eerily quiet. The frozen Saginaw River is bleak and barren except for the lonely ice fishers - waiting, strings bobbing for blue gills and tommy cats that will never bite. Boxes of blue plastic gloves have been distributed to over-weight bar tenders. Man's degradation to man. Wind-whipped sidewalks shadowed by factories and captains of industry that have long since moved to warmer climates will have to be traversed by bear swilling immigrants looking for a warm hamburger and a hot cup of coffee. How many bridges to we have to cross? How many empty parking lots? Is that a man with a rifle on top of that building? How many abandoned boat slips? How many scantily clad hooter's waitresses will have to insulted? Bay City awaits. We will try and stab it with our steely knives, but you know how it will end. Pizza at 2:00 in the morning and not enough beds to go around. Man's degradation indeed.

The Lesser Of Two (Or More) Fools?

Secret Rebel Alliance Base (Dantooine)--The Fools, one of several surprise teams from last year's MSW tournament are trying to figure out what the matchups this year will be like with blank ballots flooding the scene.

Coach Frank "Soggy Bagels" Lalonde had already assured the squad that "it just doesn't matter."  This was shortly after Lalonde had already made his selections for this season.

Center Mike Girard invoked the "Psycho Chicken" defense for his earlier statement that 'The Fools' "are a LOCK for a #10 seed this year...the selectors would have to be blind not to see that."  Upon being informed that the Star Wars 'Idiots' had already sent out the brackets (sans teams or numbers, or even regions), Girard could only shake his head, mutter something that sounds like "damned phools", then stalked out of the bathroom stall, trailing paper which he had apparently been making notes upon.

Guard Lou Spagnola cast a different light upon the situation by shouting to the assembled shoe-shiners:  "Just a moment while I whip this out", followed by him unzipping his pants (which for some strange reason had the zipper on the back), and brandishing a 4-foot light sword.  When asked where he'd pulled that from, Lou replied:  "None of your damned business".  Spagnola then proceeded to detail the best way to make Ice Cream:  "Simple...just hit him in the nuts..."

Meanwhile, Emperor Ewing tried hard to placate Coach Tony "Pizza Hunter" Signore, who was threatening to exercise his 5th amendment rights unless Ewing did something about the current ballot situation.  "GLUMPH...mggggghhhh...**sputter**...and that's just PART of the story!" Signore told the zoo workers who'd gathered around after cleaning up the Bantha corral.  Following his statement, the workers asked Signore what they should do with the Bantha dung they'd picked up.  Signore quickly glanced at Emperor Ewing, screamed "MADAK....myxpytlik...", then snuck out through an open airlock.  Ewing told the workers that he didn't like having egg on his face.  Upon being informed that the substance wasn't egg, Ewing quickly called for General (and part-time coach) Ed Kruska, instructing Kruska to "Find that so-and-so...and never mind the cost.  I'll give you my personal I.O.U.  If I don't pay you back, you can keep the I.O.U..."

Mark Ewing: Man or Myth?

Mark Ewing announced he has started to read "The Good Earth".  I like the Chinese culture, but I sure don't want to be the Chinese.  I hate those commies.  Can't wait to read about The Boxer Rebellion!"  In other important news, Ewing has announced "The Office" is no longer his favorite TV Show.  "It was a tremendous run, not sure how many years, but "Parks and Recreation" is the new number one, "Community" is two, and "The League" is three.  In Netflix news, Ewing has just received "The Man from Planet X".  "Yeah, I needed some goofy stuff, some campy stuff, after sitting thru quite a few dark and serious flicks."

Ed Kruska To Make Pubic Appearance At Opening Ceremonies

Death Star (ILM)--MSW coach Ed Kruska made a startling announcement today that he plans to make a pubic appearance at the MSW2k11 Opening Ceremonies.  When questioned by the 4th grade class about his 'public' appearance, Kruska glowered at the students and responded in a rhetorical tone "Public?  Who said anything about that?"

Protests Over Blank Bracket Sheets Erupts Into Violence Aboard The Death Star

Death Star (Hoth System, courtesy ILM)--As word of the 2011 Star Wars Tournament Bracket Sheets being distributed in a radical blank format spread around the Death Star, various opposition groups turned out to protest the 'heinous act'.  Calls for Emperor Mark Ewing to resign were echoing throughout the Engineering Section, while Ewing stormtrooper supporters were gathering in the Gymnasium to discuss what Ewing has described as "the hour of purification."

  "I have tried to give these people exactly what they want, which is violence through sports and music.  What more do they want?  Blood?  If so...my Stormtroopers may be able to 'oblige' them." Ewing told Anderson "Gary" Cooper, guest reporter for the MSW (Music Star Wars) Network.  "These rebel alliances must be 'put down' in a timely and orderly manner.  If my people tend to use 'extreme prejudice,' well...I can't be everywhere at once."

  MSW coach Frank "Call Me Bwana" Lalonde shrugged off suggestions that the situation could affect the upcoming bracket draw:  "What do they (protestors) want?  A medal?  I mean, there comes a time when you need to put fear and oppression aside, and just take one for the team.  I personally think that Emperor Ewing's selection of NAMBLA (North American Marlon Brando Look Alikes) as a sponsor should be enough to satisfy the blood-lust of these 'upstarts'.

  Tony "What?  Mmmph" Signore took the microphone to blurt out:  "Slarty-Bartfarst", before being escorted by his entourage to a waiting moped to hurry to his next appearance, which would include dedicating a new urinal in the Death Star Briefing Room.

Sun Bin Quotes

* The one who knows the art of war will win.

* The one who does not know the art of war will be defeated.

(Sun Bin)

Seger Signs, Seals, Star Wars Stint - Shuns Saginawian Sioux

  Robert Clarke Seger, known to his friends as 'Clarkie' announced a surprise deal with The Star Wars 2011 Tournament committee.  What the deal comprises is unknown.  When the deal takes effect and expires has not been revealed yet.  Who actually proposed and accepted the deal is a mystery.  Still, SW2k11 Emperor Mark A. 'Firedog' Ewing told the assorted press who were not covering a minor skirmish in Egypt that this is the biggest thing since Boba Fett met Jar-Jar Binks in a cage match during the 2009 Star Wars Tournament.
  "What this means is...Seger is mine...bottom line..." Ewing mentioned while motioning stormtroopers to keep veteran SW Coach Tony Signore from vomiting on the podium.  Despite Signore's cries of "More Bhut", and "Mmmmhphhhp...these skittles are making me thirsty," Ewing proceeded with detailing the deal that he had dealt.
  "Who amongst you have not seriously thought about purchasing a human being, much less one of Clarkie's calibre?  I mean, when one plus one equals...uh...two, then three MUST be the truth...that's just elementary logic." Ewing spouted whilst Signore's own stormtroopers attempted to gather the empty peanut shells surrounding Ewing's podium (apparently the shells can be traded for valuable prizes at a kiosk somewhere aboard the "Death Star").

  When some of the gathered masses pointed out how eerily Clarke Seger resembled Emperor Ewing, Signore blurted out between sputters:  "He's your FATHER, Luke!", which drew many quizzical glances from the remaining cleaning crew.

Lalonde's Laughable List

  Frank Lalonde, short-time sports pundit and part-time gloveman for his local bar, shrugged off suggestions that Star Wars Emperor Ewing planned to eventually fill in names on the blank ballots which had been inadvertently sent out to 2011 participants.  "I can ALWAYS beat the odds..." proclaimed Lalonde from his secret location in the Starbucks at the corner of Pine and Hollywood.
  In a bold move, Lalonde declared a matchup between the #1 West seed and the #2 South seed in the Star Wars 2011 final...predicting that #2 would win the game, 66-59.  "It's a lock...you just have to look at who they're up against.  I mean, can you argue with logic like that." Lalonde told the capacity crowd of 3 in the janitor closet of Starbucks.

  Despite Emperor Ewing's statement regarding the blank brackets that "Someone will pay...we will be victorious...I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. " many news agencies have picked up on Lalonde's selections, with Reuters.com agreeing on how #4 will down #2 in the East.