With Impending Sale, Ewing Wonders "Who Will Pull My Johnson?"

Grand Rapids (MI)--Emperor Ewing, winner of the International 500 (Under-12 Division) aboard his Johnson 600 (which he repeatedly refers to as his "Johnson 6000"), has proclaimed that his racing days are numbered.  And evidence of this statement came with Ewing's announcement of the upcoming sale of his fabled "sled".

"There are only so many rivers in the world today...and only so many with ice...and only so many with ice thick enough to support my Johnson.  The carnival ride is over.  Draw the curtain, and summon the choir.  I can only hope that whoever makes the purchase will give my Johnson the hands-on treatment I've given it." Ewing told the gathered drunkards at a local pub.

Also on the heels of the sale, word is that Ewing is being sued by "Johnsonville Brats" for failing to live up to his contract, where he'd agreed to allow his image on various advertisements (see below).