The Biscuit Will Fail

The phone rings.
Abe: “Who am I?”  
Tony: “Abe, you are a man. A camper, a hunter and a damn fine trapper.”
Abe: “No, who am I really?”

Everyone wants to know the answer to this question. It has haunted men for centuries. We all want to know. Well, I can tell you, but you might not like what you hear. You are smack-dab in the middle of the greatest basketball tournament ever played.  You are mere hours away from the most exciting non-stop, belly busting, gut wrenching, buzzer-beating, musical blood-bath  that this planet has ever witnessed. Where else will REM take on the Rolling Stones? Where Led Zeppelin might use a full-court press to undermine  the sharp shooting of Boston? Here my friends. Right here.

Mark Ewing has asked me to make my picks for the sweet 16.  He is an ass.  I will not play his games. He can’t tell me what to do.  He is not the boss of me.  Nostradamus, however, made many predictions, and if you read his work carefully, his truth becomes quite perceptible.

Stalingrad  - Not much fun in Stalingrad, John Cleese once said. Right, and now for something completely different. No, not a man with three buttocks, but this:
“Because of the solar heat on the sea
Of Euboea the fishes half cooked:
The inhabitants will come to cut them,
When the biscuit will fail Rhodes and Genoa.”

Yes, the biscuit will fail. What was Nostradamus saying? The biscuit is of course, Jenny Lewis. She will bow out early as usual. Half cooked fishes? Kieth Urban..he gone!  Even a small child can see that old Nostra’ saw these four team emerging from this bracket:

• Parker
• Cave
• Lynne
• Heads

Fuss and Feathers - Brigadier General Scott earned the nickname of "Old Fuss and Feathers" for his insistence on military appearance and discipline in this man’s army. This is not a bracket for the faint-hearted. But what does Nostradamus say?
“Shortly before the monarch is assassinated,
Castor and Pollux in the ship, bearded star:
The public treasure emptied by land and sea,
Pisa, Asti, Ferrara, Turin land under interdict.”

The monarch he is referring to is the Beatles. They will fade away like a face they keep in a jar by the door. They gone....  UFO(Castor)?...gone.  Zevon(Pollux)?...he gone! The bearded star is Nada Surf.  The beard obviously is code for disguise. They were Black-balled, hence the beard. N’ Damus predicts:

• Keys
• Malo
• Surf
• Radio

Stonewall Jackson - Another strong bracket. Like it’s name sake, it will take a bullet from one of it’s own men, then after having it’s arm amputated, will linger on it’s deathbed for days before it gives up the ghost. Again we turn to our sage.

“One who the infernal gods of Hannibal
Will cause to be reborn, terror of mankind
Never more horror nor worse of days
In the past than will come to the Romans through Babel.”

If the “one” doesn’t mean George Harrison, then I will eat my own head, sir! Reborn, is what Harrison kept talking about in his songs. Lennon once said to George, “Stop talking about rebirth you stupid idiot. That’s no way to sell records.”

The Dam-master predicts:

• Harrison
• Mott
• A/C D/C
• Orbison

Guadalcanal - “We lost a lot of good men at Guadalcanal, a lot of good men.” I once said this in a drunken state, on a boat, in a canal! Look for plenty of upsets in this bracket. Take it away Nostradamus:

“Milk, frog's blood prepared in Dalmatia.
Conflict given, plague near Treglia:
A great cry will sound through all Slavonia,
Then a monster will be born near and within Ravenna.”

The conflict is the Rolling Stones. Too much milk and frog blood.  And...they gone! A great cry will sound...as stones fans once again get let down like beggars at a banquet. Who will triumph? Nosey-nostradamus locks in:

• Emmy Lou
• Prine
• Zappa
• Shin

And that’s it you sons of bitches....interpreting 14th century prognosticators is not as easy as it looks.  So who are you Abe? You are what you eat. And I noticed you had the fish today.