14Jan11:
The 101st Grifting Squadron took us down to Buffalo Wild Wings were we convened and had a final briefing over some spicy hot chicken and believe it or not, some beer. Mark went for the Corona Extra with a lime. He had two. This year's squad: Tony Singore, veteran 3-time All-Star. Mark Ewing, verteran 3-Time All-Star, Abe Tapwater, 2009 rookie of the year, Sandy Ewing, 2nd straight All Star Game. Mark Advised Sandy and Abe to bring a writing tool. They did not listen. Mark found a pen for Abe. Mark went over primary targets and secondary targets. The advise was not listened to. Time was running, it was time to board, We head out to the DeltaPlex Beer Drinking All-Star Game:
We entered the ramp, Mark with no coat, Abe with last year's rookie of the year flannel shirt, Sandy and Tony with coats....mixing it up, later doing some Hillbileeeeeeah.....Tickets were bumped up to $22. Only 3 tickets!!?? The squad was stopped dead in their tracks......We were dumbfounded. A big disappointment, we were in trouble early, but we kept on going. We all snatched our 2011 All-Star drinking Cups. We grabbed our scorecards. Sandy lamented, " Ah, I need a pencil...."
Entering into the arena, Abe and Sandy get mystified by the bright lights, Mark looks for certain beer stands, Tony is already at a table....
First stop: 7:50 PM: Odd Side Brewery: Irish Mist Stout:
Starting off AT Oddside, is an odd choice, but I knew I had to be unpredictable. It was a complete disaster. While I had a clear opportunity to do any of a number of moves, I stood there with my ticket exposed, and WAITED for the beer monkey to see me. I never felt so much like that proverbial house by-the-side-of-the-road as I watched myself strikeout in slow motion. If anything good could come of this embarrassing faux pas, it was this: I needed to ramp up the next booth with a new play. No more would I rely on just one play per booth. Let the play come to you. BE the ball. I had a new philosophy, and an Irish Mist in my hand. The monkey was careful so the beer level never went above the danger line on my glass. Heaven forbid if it would, I only paid $22 for 3 slurps, and the Man was making sure that the monkeys would not let anyone take advantage of the situation. The game had changed. Nazi monkeys guarding the nectar, it just makes the hive want more nectar.
Irish Mist Stout: give it a 7.0. Strong and powerful, no surprise. Not sure why I needed to try this anyway, it is pretty familiar territory, why wouldn't it get a 7.0? Well....it is good beer.
Rogue Brewery: Hazel Nut Brown Ale:
I strolled up to the counter and the plan was the basic distraction play. Pretty nice young woman took the monkey position. I did the "I'm a thinking of the Dead Guy Ale, but I see you have your Hazel Nut, which one do you like? Girl monkey told me her favorite was the Hazel Nut, and though I actually wanted to try the Dead Guy, I had to go to the ad-lib, and took her advice. As the beer came to me, I slowly peered down at my score sheet and pretended to write something. Then I simply took the beer and walked off while some other patron asked a question. Hazel Nut Brown a very good beer, it gets a 9. It was thick and frothy and probably put a beer mustache on my upper lip. Tommy would have loved it. The press asked me if it was normal to rate a beer so high this early in the game. Well if the beer is good, so be it. And it was FREE. Ah the Rogue Brewery makes a strong and early statement.
Tri City Brewing: Fortunato-Belgian Style.
The thousand injuries of Fortunato I borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. With a tip of the hat to Edgar Alan, I was ready to try a new play here. Was gonna go 'story', about the Cask of Amontillado, go for a huge distraction play. I could hear Sandy attempting her 'story play' about her living in Bay City. 2 stories on one play? I shouldn't be done. It couldn't be done. Sandy's story had run out of steam, she had no other play lined up. She had no choice but to expose her ticket and buy, I was up and I had nothing, who the hell knows Edgar Alan anymore. Tony walked up and stupidly asks, "Where IS Bay City?" In the span of 0.0045 seconds, we all knew Tony KNEW where Bay City was. He was running a play. I took my beer and spun off backwards in the right flank. I sucked it down near a trash can like a dog finding a KFC bag. Beer gets a 5.0 rating. Tastes like wine. When running the Distracted Walkaway, you have to think fast, the window is really not even open, but Tony gets a huge assist on my favorite play of the night. Your monkey will gravitate to a dumb guy. Do the mantra: Be dumb. Let others be dumb. Dumb things down. Do dumb things for beer.
Avery Brewing: White Rascal Belgian Wit:
Never in my life have I come upon such foul swamp-water that passes itself off as beer. Crushed grasshoppers and crickets put into a medium-warm wort of cat urine, with a hint of skunk. 3.0 pure junk. Abe did happen by and he went for the New World Porter and he let me take a sip. It was a fine beer indeed, gave it a 6.5. But the White Rascal is hogwash, a lowly 2.0
Left Hand Brewing: Saw Tooth Ale: I really wanted to try the Left-handed guys badly, and since no one else was too thrilled, I approached alone. Began the basic distraction play, but these were not monkeys, these guys were brewers. "Well, the Brits got mad at this one, it is so strong....", I didn't know what that meant really, I didn't know how to steer the conversation my way....I threw in the towel early... I ended up giving them a ticket. The beer was fine. A good brown color. I will be calling in the left-handers in the future when the bases are loaded and so am I.
Brooklyn Brewing: Local 1: They charge 2 tickets for this crap, I said I only had one ticket, they said I could get a full portion. I really had more tickets left. Beer is nothing special. I give it a 5.1. Not sure who won the grift, I think they did by getting me to still pay one ticket for average beer.
McSorely's: Irish Ale: I don't remember if this was a grift, but I do remember Tony using his Irish accent and even where your normal person would give up on the accent after a while, Tony didn't. Tony got the Black Lager. I gave the Irish Ale a 6.5, and I called it a 'hitter'. Not sure why I called it a hitter. Oh wait, I called it "Bitter." Ah the handwriting was beginning to go a little funny as we headed into the 3rd act.
I stopped by Dragonmead Brewing, and (gladly) paid a ticket to sample 2010 Mark Ewing Winner: Erik the Red. Still packs the rape and pillage kick to it. A fine, fine beer. Still gets a 9. I looked for 2009 winner Wolverine, but it was gone.....
Our squad of grifters landed out in the cold and stormed the Bastille. 2 veterans grifters, a kid and a girl. Mistakes were made. Tickets were spent perhaps too quickly at first. Tickets were scarce and pricy. I saw stories dry up. I saw hands shaking. I saw a girl crying. But I saw some of the best grifting one could see. I got the Beer Popes autograph. The play-actions made even me do double-takes, impressive. The Bastille is just a square box pole barn. Fascist groups worked among the monkeys to stop the grifting, or at least slow it down. You can never stop talented grifting.
It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known.
2011 Mark Ewing Beer
1-Rogue Brewing: Hazelnut Brown Ale 9.3
2-Dragonmead: Erik the Red 9.0
3- Odd Side Brewery: Irish Mist Stout 7.0
4-Left Hand Brewing: Saw Tooth Ale 6.9
5-McSorley's Irish Ale 6.5
6-Avery: New World Porter 6.5
7-Brooklyn: One: 5.1
8-Tri City Fortunato Belgian Style: 5.0
9-Avery: White Rascal Belgian Wit 2.0
Sincerely,
Mark Ewing
No comments:
Post a Comment